Some colleagues recently asked me to write about Guilt and Shame.

When we or our clients experience guilt, there is always a damaging of some personal standard, whereas shame is experienced if some social standard is broken.  These two emotions often go together, but it is essential that we distinguish them if we are to help clients overcome them.

Guilt. When clients complain of feeling guilty, we can ask them what personal standard has been brought into question. This is affirming to clients and at the same time offers us an opportunity to comment about their high personal standards.  By validating their experience, they are then in a better position to deal with the problem, or by reframing the situation in this way, they may even have dissolved the problem. If someone complaining of feeling guilty is complimented on his or her high moral standards, that person is then bound to acknowledge his or her personal worth or give up the guilt. High standards are a prerequisite for guilt as psychopaths, having no personal conscience, are not capable of feeling guilt. This affirming, validating conversation can be sufficient to dissolve the guilt in some situations. If not, we can ask “How much longer will you need to suffer the guilt to wipe the slate clean, or to have served your time?” This can bring the situation back to earth and reconnect the client with the reality of life and assist the client to deal with the conflict by resolving it at the same level at which the problem was generated.

I like to ask someone troubled by guilt if they are religious. Anyone brought up catholic will know that resolving guilt requires confession, penance then forgiveness. A guilty Catholic can be reminded that their guilt is a kind of penance and then asked how far through the suffering they are, and even encouraged to go to confession.

People brought up Protestant have a short cut since in their religion they can be forgiven by grace - no suffering needed. A guilty Protestant can be gently chided for disrespecting their saviour and making his sacrifice meaningless. This can be a wakeup experience.

If someone is Jewish, i've found it helpful to light-heartedly remind them that guilt is built in - it goes with the territory.

A successful entrepreneur was having difficulty signing his name at work. He felt that since it was his business, he should be able to manage this easily, just as he was able to maintain the high standards of his management team. I asked him one of my favourite riddles that I adapted from Milton Erickson  – “If you and Superman had a race to the equator, who would get there first?” to which he replied “Superman, of course!”. I informed him that his answer was wrong. When he asked why he was wrong, I had pleasure in telling him “You would get there first – because – there ain’t no such person as Superman”. He got the message about his high personal standards and was able to relax enough to easily get past his signing difficulty.

Exercises to Help Resolve Guilt

Acknowledge the guilt and legitimize it.

Compliment the client on having high moral standards [i.e., a reframe].

Ask about what moral standard in particular is being challenged.

Resect their religious views.

Offer the possibility that they may have suffered nearly enough to compensate for the guilt – they may have served their time.

Shame. Shame is different. Because shame is an emotion in which some social standard has been transgressed, there is nothing that can be done effectively on a personal level. To deal with shame, we need some social experience. Again, to recognize and affirm that the presence of a social standard requires a particular kind of individual – one who is socially responsible – can help, and breaking the silence that shame insists on can assist clients simply by the telling of their story, but often there is some public event that is required to fully deal with shame.

For example, gay men and women can overcome any guilt about their sexual preference by resolving their personal experience, but it is only by “coming out” into a gay community, or to the wider community that any shame is dissolved. The same process applies to many of life’s experiences, both positive and negative. It’s not “cool” for teenagers to admit that they like schoolwork, or that they love their parents, and saying it to their friends or their family can free them from the shame they might otherwise feel.

A woman in her mid-40s wanted help with her problem getting back to work after multiple position changes, and eventually a demotion. While off work, coming to terms with her situation, she had the additional problem of discovering that a breast lump was malignant and had surgery. She was guilty about not being able to cope with the changes at work, and felt shame about her mastectomy. Part of her counseling process was to come to terms with her human limitations, allowing her guilt to subside, but the shame had led to her keeping her physical problem secret from her friends, leading to increasing isolation.

When I asked her who would be the easiest person to tell about her operation, she decided that person would be a close friend she had since school. After telling this friend what had happened, she was then able to tell enough of her other close friends to dispel her shame, and her healing – emotional and social, could progress.

Embodiment of Shame. Shame requires secrecy to be maintained so the body is contracted as if trying to become invisible – head down, furtive gaze, shoulders stooped.

Exercises to Help Relieve Shame

Ask clients to straighten their body and lift their head.

Ask clients if there is a person with whom they could share their secret.

Ask “How will you feel when you have broken the spell, and spoken about this?”

Ask “Who else will notice the changes?”