If someone goes into  supermarket and they don’t know what they went there for, they can be there a long time, and not necessarily be satisfied with the outcome. 

If someone goes into the same supermarket knowing they want bread and milk, they may need to ask for help to find them, but the result will be perfect.

In supervising many people over the years, I have found asking “What’s missing for this client?” to be a jaw dropping, eye opening experience.

Clients get stuck when they don’t know what’s missing, and therapists get stuck if they don’t know what’s missing for their client or themselves.

A friend told me of two tourists who were lost in country Ireland. They went into the local pub, put a map on the bar and told the publican that they were lost. The publican  scratched his head and after some time perusing the map said “Well, I wouldn’t be starting from here”. The Irish have a way of revealing the absurdity of our humanity.

A man had been in a psychiatric hospital for a long time and all he would say was “I shouldn’t be here.” Erickson replied “But you are here” and when this eventually clicked, the man said “Oh my goodness. What do I need to do to get out of here”. He needed to get to where he was before he could move.

Many clients can only begin to resolve their stuckness after their pain and suffering have been sufficiently acknowledged. We can help here by saying sincerely something like “You’ve been through hell”, “This has been terrible for you”, “You suffered so much and nothing seems to help”, “I can image that you must feel desperate at times”. These kinds of statements can be like water in a dessert and I’ve witnessed many people weep with relief that at last someone recognises the legitimacy of their suffering instead of rushing in to assist. It can be tempting for us as therapists to want to lessen a client’s suffering so we don’t feel so bad.

Validating a client’s suffering can be the first step towards relief, and getting some movement where there had been stuckness.

Here’s an experiment for you …

Next time you feel stuck with a client, explore what’s missing for them and see if you’re on track. If you are see what happens when you validate their experience.